Awakening moment

I think there are a few times in your life when you have an awakening moment. You can count on one hand those times. Those moments that are so clairvoyant & obvious that you have a hard time understanding why you didn't figure it out sooner.

As you may or may not know, I went through a really rough time this past fall (Go HERE to read about it) with the adjustment to our second child, Tyler.
I was feeling sorry for myself for many reasons & I felt overwhelmed and alone every day. I couldn't focus for what seemed like days/weeks on any one thing in my life. Doing anything outside of my small comfort zone was very difficult for me. Brian and I both had trying days where we dealt with our 3 year old girl melting down for what seemed like hours on end. We went through a period where we started to question if we were good parents and 'what had we done' to make Julianna act out like she was doing? She would meltdown over anything and everything (she still does!). We even took a class at her school on "Emotion coaching" - about how to listen to and talk to your 3 year old on their emotional level. It does work but not always.

In hindsight, I know Julianna's acting out is partly 'just being 3 years old' and partly her way of dealing with Tyler now crowding her once 'only-child' world & partly her being very misunderstood due to her inability to communicate her emotions to us. Tyler had a lot of doctor's appointments and tons of attention after he was born due to his condition. While we tried to spread our time evenly between both children, there were times we had no choice but to pay more attention to Tyler's needs due to his Congenital Heart Defect. (Go here for his story).

I think over time, it took it's toll on Julianna in some way. She seems to understand that Tyler needs to go to the 'special' doctor (cardiologist) but how can we be certain what she actually thinks in her little 3 year old mind? Who knows how she processed and dealt with Tyler's surgery and recovery period in her little world? She couldn't really communicate her feelings to us like an adult. She sees Tyler's scar. She doesn't pay any attention to it because it's part of him and she doesn't question it. I still can't help but feel major mom guilt about not giving her the time she deserved when his needs were deemed greater. I know most moms have mom guilt once they have a second child, because they are no longer able to give that same attention to the first child like they did before. Throw in a child born with a Heart Defect and Open Heart Surgery. You wanna talk Mom Guilt now!? It was Mom Guilt squared!

Adding a second child to our family was harder than I thought. I never anticipated all of the craziness another child would to our household routine. We went from a pretty solid & calm daily routine to constant chaos of the 'back & forth' of having to deal with the baby and the three year old at the same time. One was screaming because he pooped himself for the 4th time that day while the other was melting down over there being no chicken nuggets and band-aids left in the house. Thank goodness for my husband and all that he does. I would be lost without him. I mean truly completely utterly lost!

So anyway - From May to December I was dealing with new baby, baby having open heart surgery, my recovery from c-section, recovery of Tyler from OHS and very frequent (lengthy) doctor visits, baby blues, pre-menopause starting, going back to work in September, everything our house decided to break and needed to be replaced, Julianna turning 3 the day before Tyler's surgery and us having to cancel her party, potty training the girl, eating out of control (and not taking care of me!), madness of planning for & getting through the rough holidays.

The daily chaos of my life got so much so that I felt like I lost my identity and started to lose site of who I was and what my life was even about. I longed for me-time & found it hard to make a singular decision some days due to the constant fog I was in. I essentially stopped my photography and blogging, two things I really enjoyed doing for me. I was eating horribly and not taking care of myself in any way.

So back to the Awakening that I was talking about way up top.

All that time I spent worrying, stressing out, guilting, being overwhelmed, not functioning, and spinning in circles was mostly stemming from one thing. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my life before kids back. I missed being able to do anything we wanted to do when we wanted to do it at the drop of a hat. I missed the days of not spending a nauseating sum of money on daycare and baby supplies. I missed going to the gym and doing things that were so much easier pre-kid. I missed having my husband all to myself all of the time. Greedy? Yes. Honest? Sure.
I thought I could still (somehow) have the freedom I had before kids. The freedom to jump up and go where you want, when you want. I missed that so much! I missed the freedom that all couples without kids take for granted. Brian and I do not have much help, but yes, we get a babysitter and do date nights when we can. Yes, we do get out and do plenty of family things (with the kids). Brian and I do spend quality time together when we are not exhausted from the day. We get out and do lot's of things but the dynamic has changed with 2 more family members.
Even when it was just one child, things were pretty easy. Enter second child- and it got way harder. Like really way harder. Please do not misunderstand me; I love my husband, Julianna and Tyler so much so that it makes my heart burst into tiny pieces. I know that there was a piece of my heart I never knew existed until I had my kids & they fill a void I never knew I had. I thank God for them every day when I see their beautiful smiling faces. I love being their mommy. I have to think that other moms go through this acceptance of 'your life has changed forever' at different times after their kids are born. Maybe some don't go through it at all. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I can only speak for myself.

My awakening is this: 
Life WILL never be the same. Our life HAS been changed forever. It WILL never go back to the way it was pre-kids. How could I even think it could or would? I wasted a lot of time thinking about what I missed combined with my crazy mental state of pre-menopause and baby blues ... and probably some kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome from Tyler's surgery. I guess that is the incredibly massive adjustment period I went through. But here's the thing. Why would I want to go back to a time before these amazing & extraordinary little babies entered our life? My kids have changed my life in ways I never imagined possible. So, instead of looking over my shoulder constantly and longing for the freedom of my past, it's time to look forward and know that I can't change anything that has happened in the past couple of years (good, bad or indifferent).
It's time to embrace the future and look forward to each and every blessed day with my family. It sounds too obvious and very simple. Time to move on. Time to stop wasting time. Sometimes it just takes many hours of deep thought to realize the obvious thing that is right in front of your face. Everything happens for a reason. Time to look forward and make the absolute best of every single day I have with my family. I am working on another post about HOW I am changing and streamlining things in our every day life. (Hint; Healthier lifestyle!)

Some pictures I took of Julianna this week. I had to bribe her with ice cream to get her to agree to sit for me. 

I am in love with my little girl's infectious smile! 

10 things about Julianna

1.
Julianna loves her (almost 10 month old) little brother so very much!
She kisses his little fuzzy head and hugs him. She plays with him and gives him toys when he's upset or crying. She loves watching him eat his food and tells him he's a good boy. She gets so excited when he crawls or does things for the first time. Julianna also loves picking out his PJs at night & jumping up and down while making funny faces to make him laugh like only she can do (there is some kind of secret laughter code between them!). She holds his hand in the car and stares at him like only a big sister can do. She gets upset if Tyler has to go somewhere with Mommy or Daddy without her - she wants him to be with her all of the time! Julianna has even given her beloved precious baby giraffe to Tyler to play with. I am in love with watching their relationship blossom and grow daily. It's something that you can't truly understand until you witness your two children bonding with each other. Tyler looks up to Julianna with such admiration and love, like nothing I've ever seen before.

2.
The pencil story. Ah yes the pencil story. I was debating whether or not to tell this but, hey what the hell right?! So, Julianna picked up pretty fast (as most kids do) that her 'private parts' are not the same as Tyler and Daddy. One day not too long ago, she announced loudly, "Daddy has a pencil". A what? Huh? And I thought for a few seconds...Ooooooh. OK yes he has a penis honey. (kill me now!) Then she said in the same breath, "Mommy, Tyler has a pencil and he poops out of it". Um. OK?? What do you say to this kid?!

3.
Julianna is 3 years old and will turn 4 in May. Before you have kids, everyone warns you over & over about the terrible twos. Ha! We got through two years old and thought "Wow, that wasn't so bad after all". (all you moms with older kids, you can laugh now). Then came age three. Oh. My. God. No one warns you about three! Three has been beyond challenging. That's for another post. Julianna is primetime whiny, crying, obnoxious meltdown age. And I do mean prime time. All the time. Any time. About anything. Meltdowns (with a squealing high pitch that only a dog can hear & gasping breathes) over a crayon tip missing from a crayon, her balloon popping, not finding matching ponytail holders, hello-kitty barrette missing, too much milk in her cheerios, not enough milk in her cheerios, band aid falling off (after being on her imaginary boo-boo for 4 days), imaginary black speck in her rice, or pizza that is NOT from our favorite pizza place! And... melting down over the wrong flavor yogurt, wrong color spoon, no clean hello-kitty underpants, no clean hello-kitty socks, and the list goes on and on. Balloon popping... Oh wait, I already mentioned that- but it deserves an honorable mention due to the absolute enormity of the meltdown that one creates. Holy Moses head for the hills if that balloon pops!

4.
Julianna got a tea set from my mother (nana) for Christmas. This girl loves having tea parties with her animals. Giraffes are usually the main guests at the party, but cow, horsey, doggie, snake, hello kitty, or pony are often invited too. Julianna knows to stay in her bedroom that she shares with Tyler until Brian or myself come into their room in the morning. We have always told her if she gets up early to read a book or play quietly. And she does. Several times we have walked into her room in the morning and she has her tea party all set up, drinking tea with 4 of the above named guests. So so so cute! The animals will all have a cup that their little snouts are dipped into. So adorable!

5.
A few weeks ago, I was sick with a sinus infection and playing play dough with Julianna - and out of the blue she said to me, "Mommy I love you, I hope you feel better soon" - And she kept getting up to get me grapes in hopes it would make me feel better. I love this little kid - it makes all the whining and meltdowns (see #3) totally worth it!

6.
Julianna is growing into her own little person - every day I see her personality shine through and it just makes me smile with a proud-mama smile! She is so smart, funny & goofy. She laughs and tells jokes. She knows what she wants (sometimes a little too much), and knows what she doesn't want. She has such a fabulous personality and I love seeing her grow inside & out each and every day. I love seeing her with my husband. The bond they have is just amazing. It's so true what is said about daddy/daughter relationships.

7.
Back to the previously mentioned band aids (see #3). One night, Brian and I came home from our date night out and went into Julianna's room to kiss her goodnight (as we always do every night), and noticed she had a band-aid on her chin. Huh? All we could do is laugh. To know this kid, is to know she has 3-4 bandaids on her body any given day at one time. Mostly for imaginary boo-boos. She will be sitting on the sofa and out of nowhere say "Ouuuch! My elbow hurts. I need a Hello Kitty Bandaid". I could only imagine the extraordinary excuse she used on poor Jill (our babysitter) to get her to put a bandaid on her chin that night!

8.
The other night, I was reading Julianna a short story in her HighFive magazine (like Highlights for kids under 5 - it's awesome!), and I explained to her what twins are and how we have a set of twins in our family. I then asked her if she could name the twins in our family? So she quickly responds "Oh - me and Pepper. We're twins". Pepper is our dog. Clearly she missed the point. I was trying to get her to name her 13 year old twin cousins. Funny stuff though.

9.
File this one under kids say the darnedest things. The toilet made some gurgling noises the other day after she flushed it. She then proceeded to yell out,  "What's wrong with the freakin toilet?". Brian and I were cracking up! Could be worse, she could have said the other F word! I have to know that day is coming. Soon.

10.
Julianna wanted to meet Tyler's 'heart doactor' when we went to the Congenital Heart Awareness Event at the Hospital a few weeks ago. I later found out that Tyler's cardiologist was so touched by Julianna wanting to meet her. That is her way of learning about (and coping with) Tyler's condition even though she probably doesn't understand a lotbout it yet. She probably thought, "Who is the doctor they are always going to see?". Now she knows who his doctor is. I was also showing Julianna the halter monitor that was attached to Tyler's chest for 24 hours after his doctor' appointment a couple weeks ago. Julianna was genuinely interested in it and not scared at all. She doesn't ask about his scar at all either, even though she sees it daily. I think she just knows it's part of "him" and that's it. I believe she understands Tyler is different than her because she knows he goes to the doctor quite often and she talks about his heart doctor, but she is too young to understand the reality of it of course. I think it's pretty amazing how accepting she is of the special attention he gets and is OK with it (except when melting down - see #3).


Here are some pictures of a typical indoor day, which is every day lately due to the snowpocalyptic winter we have been having here in New Jersey.

Julianna loves cutting paper with her new scissors that Nana gave her!
Make note of random band-aid. 

Indoor fun

This was taken in December right around Christmas.... Pre-Ice Age.