I am a first time mom and never blogged before, so for me, it was kind of a easy one to come up with. But there was a bigger meaning behind it (in my head!). It goes deeper than just the name. I never knew about the blogging world at all and discovered it by accident while I was pregnant. But for those of you that don't know me, before I had Julianna, I was not the type of person that was good with kids. Actually I pretty much wanted nothing to do with kids at all. Couldn't be bothered. It just was not "for me". I know that sounds cruel, but it's the way I felt. I would have been fine never having any children. Screaming or whining children in restaurants or food stores annoyed me. Kids running through the stores annoyed me. The thought of baby puke, poop, spit up and drool made me gag.
Everyone said to me before I had Jules and while I was pregnant that I would change. Yeah right. They said 'When it's your own, it's different'. Phhht, we'll see about that. I didn't believe it. I had no bond to her while I was pregnant. I didn't feel like the other mothers in my birthing class did. In my birthing class, they all said "Oh I can't wait to meet our little baby and hold him" - Sorry but I never felt that way. Was there something wrong with me? I was convinced there had to be! My husband assured me over & over that nothing was wrong with me and that I was allowed to feel however I wanted.
I was terrified of giving birth and absolutely frightened of what was to come after. I didn't care about having a beautiful birthing experience, I just wanted as little pain as possible and get her out quick (Well, after 12 hours of labor, I ended up having a C-section due to some comlications that came up).
I was secretly convinced my marriage would be ruined by this child (like I see with so many other marriages). Our marriage was perfect already, why mess with it by bringing this intruder into our lives?! I had sooo many fears that it blurred my vision of my impending motherhood. I was scared how my life would change ... for the worst, I was convinced.
The minute she was born, all those fears, anxieties and horrible feelings went out the window instantly. I was blindsided. I felt this instant bond and love like I never knew I could feel. You can't help it, it just happens. I almost died when they had to move Julianna to the NICU at another hospital. I couldn't bear the feeling of going home without her. I felt like a piece of me was missing. Who knew I would feel like this?! I felt so empty inside until we were able to bring her home from the NICU 6 days later.
It's the feeling that makes my heart ache when I look into her eyes and feel the incredible love that I have for her. It's the feeling that makes you know you would sacrifice your own life for your child. It's the feeling that you want to protect this beautiful & innocent baby from anything bad in the world. It's the feeling of wanting to teach her everything and show her all that there is to know. It's the feeling of wanting to give every ounce of love to her that you are humanly capable of giving. It's the feeling that bonds you so close, nothing can ever break that bond. Nothing.
It's the feeling that brought Brian and I even closer together and the love we have is way more powerful than I could have ever imagined. When I see Brian interacting with Julianna, there are no words to describe how incredibly happy it makes me feel. I am blessed to have such a beautiful child and husband in my life. What did I do to deserve this? No one could ever have explained this to me. Never. You have to experience it for yourself.
I know it sounds corny - but I think it affected me even more because I did not anticipate it at all. This child has changed me (our) life in ways I never ever could have known or thought about before. I love our little family. I am even more sorry that I almost never wanted children. To think I never would have known this love if we never had a child.
OK enough of that stuff. So yes, the name of my blog has meaning to me because being a "First time mother" has meant so much more to me than I ever imagined.
So I ask this -
What are some of the inspirations behind your blog names?
Here is my inspiration. I love this girl more than life itself.
My heart bursts every morning when I see her for ths first time.